Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
