I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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