I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
