I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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