please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
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