i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
