she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
