I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
