Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
