you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
