3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i need an iv and a liver transplant
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
