I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
