you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
