hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So. Much. Porn.
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