Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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