can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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