so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
