you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
