it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
