did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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