fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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