I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
