I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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