I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
