my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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