The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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