I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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