awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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