conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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