I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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