I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
