my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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