I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
