i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
