you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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