You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
