I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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