Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
