Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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