they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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