thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
