I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
