did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
