mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
