soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
