Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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