smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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