I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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