The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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