I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
