every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
