That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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