Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
